


Lightning Joins The Army

by CDenic



Category: Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIII Series, Final Fantasy XIII-2, Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII
Genre: Friendship, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 18:26:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1314793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CDenic/pseuds/CDenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Lightning Farron (and her friends) joined the army...not what you'd expect...<br/>Completed March 2012</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lightning Joins The Army

_NOTE: I_ strongly _recommend that you read this[on my website](http://www.chrisdenicola.com/Fanfiction/Fics/FFXIII/LightningJoinsTheArmy.html), as it will provide a...fuller experience. Trust me. You can always click the back button to leave a comment!_

  


by Chris DeNicola

 

             “This is absolutely _ridiculous_.”  
             It was taking all of Lightning’s self-control not to storm out of the room and throttle somebody. _This_ was what they called a “uniform”?! What the hell kind of army did they think she was supposed to be joining?!  
             “How am I even supposed to _walk_ in this getup?!”  
             “Hey Lightning, let’s hop to it!” she heard a familiar voice shout through the door. “It’s almost time to get moving!”  
             The woman snarled and tightened her fists around the material in her hands. That idiot had no idea how close to death he was. She glanced over at the mirror…and her annoyed expression only made her look fifty times more ridiculous considering what her face looked like to begin with.  
             She was going to get them for this if it was the last thing she did.

             “Are they almost ready?” Hope asked, looking a bit impatient as Snow came back down the stairs.  
             The giant man chuckled and shrugged. “Women. You’ll get used to it eventually.”  
             Hope huffed and shook his head. “You are so housebroken, Snow.”  
             “Hey, I am not!” he insisted, “I just happen to love my wife! And you’re one to talk! You’d walk cross country for your precious Lightning if she asked you to!”  
             “Perhaps.” the younger man replied with a smug expression, “But _I’ve_ never bought tampons.”  
             “That’s a low blow Estheim!”  
             Before Hope could reply, he heard a door open upstairs, and a cheery voice sang, “I’m rea~dy!”  
             Snow and Hope both turned towards the stairs, and the sound of loud, clunking footsteps brought Serah down and into the living room. “How do I look?” she asked excitedly, turning a three-sixty, and looking cute as a kitten.  
             Snow whistled and Hope’s jaw dropped. If Serah blushed, they couldn’t see it.  
             “Wow Serah, you look _awesome_!” Hope said, his eyes wide.  
             “Fit to join the Army?”  
             “You bet babe!” Snow said, making his way over to her and carefully wrapping an arm around her. “Whoa, it’s weird with you up _here_!”  
             Serah giggled at her new height; she was still much shorter than Snow, but she would have been taller than her sister if Lightning wasn’t going to be wearing the same kind of boots. Hope would still have an inch on her though, but then, he had boots on too. Only Snow was getting away with regular boots tonight, since he was tall enough as it was.  
             “Wow, you guys look awesome too!” Serah said, admiring Hope’s attire. “Yuj and Lebreau did an incredible job with your outfits!”  
             Hope nodded. “I wish they would have joined us, but I guess they’re not ready to join the Army.”  
             “Their loss! But seriously Hope, I can’t believe you talked Lightning into this. She must be having a fit up there.”  
             Hope looked a bit nervous at this. “I think she’ll come around. I just hope she doesn’t kill us before that happens.”  
             “Say, what’s taking her so long anyway?” Snow asked, looking towards the stairs. “Her makeup is done, right?”  
             Serah nodded. “I put the finishing touches on myself…unless she smudged it.”  
             Snow’s face hardened as he ran out of patience. It was almost time to leave, and they couldn’t wait much longer. “YO SIS, LET’S _GO_!”  
             Hope winced and rubbed his ears. “Thanks Snow, as if I’m not going to suffer enough hearing damage tonight.”  
             Snow was about to respond when he heard a door nearly ripped off of its hinges.  
             “I am going to get you all for this.”  
             Everybody froze. How did Lightning manage to sound like she was looming over them when she was on different floor of the house?  
             Slowly, Lightning clunked uneasily down the stairs, looking quite annoyed…but unfortunately, the weight of her glare was lessened by her utterly ridiculous makeup. Everyone wore shocked expressions as they took in the sight of their hero, the brave and courageous Lightning Farron.  
             She was wearing wildly flamboyant and impractical clothing: black spandex adorned with various silver decorations, and a pair of totally over the top five inch platform boots that made walking a feat of impeccable balance. Messy black hair framed her cheeks.  
             But the icing on the cake was her scowling face, which Hope was staring at with his jaw on the floor. Her delicate beauty was hidden behind a layer of white crap, with a star made of black crap around her right eye. Her lips were blaring red.  
             “L-Light…” Hope sputtered, “I mean, _wow_. You look _incredible_.”  
             For the first time, Lightning was thankful for the makeup as she felt her cheeks heat up. How the hell did he do that to her? Did he have some kind of weird psychic powers? He must have, for it seemed to be the only explanation for her current situation. How the hell had he gotten her to agree to this?!  
             Lightning’s teeth clenched as she took in her companions, each of them wearing similar black and silver clothing, and stupid high shoes, except for her oaf of a brother in law (she was going to get him double for that). She was just lucky not to have big shoulder… _thingies_ like Hope. She cursed the part of her that thought he looked cute with his black lips and the silver around his eyes.  
             Her sister was, of course, the epitome of cute at all times, but Lightning almost, _almost_ smiled at the kitten whisker makeup and the gold on the tip of her button nose.  
             But Snow…the image of his black and white alien face, moronic black wig, and currently hanging tongue would haunt her nightmares for years.  
             Then again, they were all wearing moronic wigs…and hers was less than comfortable. It gave her small satisfaction to see that Hope was grimacing as he adjusted his own. But he was still looking at her with star struck eyes.  
             Dammit, her cheeks were heating up again.  
             “What the hell are you all staring at?!” she snapped.  
             Finally, Serah squealed in delight. “Oh wow! You look so cool!”  
             “Yeah Sis, you really do! I’m impressed!”  
             “I knew you’d make an awesome Starchild, Light! It’s perfect for you!”  
             Lightning was still not amused. “Hope, this is your idea of ‘joining the Army’?! What the hell were you thinking?!"  
             Hope laughed and picked up a cardboard cutout of a Sunburst Les Paul. “Come on Light, how often does KISS come to New Bodhum? Now come on, we’re gonna be late to the show!” With that, he led the way out of the room, Snow and Serah close behind.  
             Light growled in frustration as she realized that only Hope could get away with doing this to her. Apparently he knew a thing or two about her, but later on, she was only going to make him cry.  
             And that is how Lightning Farron joined the Army.

****

* * *

__  
_Author's Note:_  
              _I don’t know where this came from…it popped into my head at about 4:30am, and was done before I could stop myself. It broke my near decade long silence from fanfiction._  
              _And the very next day, I found out about the KISS/Mötley Crüe tour that I will be seeing twice._  
              _But hey, God gave rock ‘n roll to you and me and put it in the soul of everyone. It speaks to anyone who is willing to listen. So perhaps someone from above told me: you must free Lightning from Etro’s grasp, and place her in the hands of the Elders._  
              _And for the record, I’m a fan of KISS, but not a BIG fan. Certainly not the type to wear makeup to the show. But seriously, imagine Lightning as the Starchild…it works!_  
              _Oh...and more Disclaimer: I also don't own KISS, because Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley would eat their own testicles before they would release their death-grip on everything KISS-related. I would have put this at the top...but that'd spoil the surprise._  
              _Thanks,_  
                                    [Chris](http://www.chrisdenicola.com)

_P.S.: Read this and more fanfiction on[my website archive](http://www.chrisdenicola.com/Fanfiction/FicLibrary.html)._


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